Pencils
Some say that the pencil was inspired by the humble writing twigs used in ancient Mesopotamia, while some insist the first pencils originated high in the mountains of Tibet; others still postulate that the pencil always existed, it simply needed to be discovered. Here at Whiskey River Soap, we don’t really concern ourselves with all that history mumbo-jumbo, we’re too busy thinking up comedic quips for our made in USA pencil sets.
Pencil Sets: 8-pack of standard No. 2 pencils made in the USA. Box size: 7 ½″ H × 2 ½″ W × ⅜″ L. Sold in 4-packs.
Pencils for cool dads
SO FUNNY,
I FORGOT TO LAUGH
Where in the heck are you and the other dads getting these so-called “jokes” from anyway, Corny Dads Quarterly? I mean, come on now… Does every conversation need a fart reference? Are you all a hive mind? I’m kidding, Dad. I totally respect the dad comedy. You’ve always said that money doesn’t grow on trees, but maybe dad jokes do!
Pencils for the days of the week
WOW, WHAT A CONCEPT. No longer do you have an excuse not to use a fresh pencil each and every day!
Plus, we’ve even included (at no extra cost) a handy Blursday pencil for those days when you can’t be bothered to figure out what day it actually is. And honestly, if you’re buying these pencils, that’s probably gonna be pretty often.
Pencils for happy hour
POUR ME ANOTHER, PLEASE. Ahhh, it’s finally that magical time of the day again: when you can put all your office woes aside and crack open a cold one. Or twelve. Here’s to another chance to find the answers to life’s questions at the bottom of a bottle. So what if it’s only 10 AM, who says happy hour has to start at five, anyway? Just don’t tell Brent from HR, okay?
Pencils for lefties
YOU’RE WEIRD...
No, but seriously. Can you just suck it up and start using your right hand like everyone else in the developed world?
You’re making us look bad with all your creativity and success. It’s like you’re part of a secret club we can never join. And frankly, the rest of us have the right to feel left out. See what I did there? That’s the best thing a right-hander can come up with. We need you weirdos.
Pencils with low self-esteem
CHEER UP, SILLY PENCIL!
Life’s not so bad. There are still plenty of us out there who like you: elementary school kids, golfers, artists, and uhhh… did I say schoolchildren already? But hey, things could be worse. I mean, who wants to be a crayon, right? So hold your head high, humble pencil. You’ll always have a place in our hearts and at our desks… at least until we toss you out.
Pencils for a midlife crisis
WHO SAYS EXISTENTIAL DREAD CAN’T BE FUN? Congratulations, you’ve made it to middle age! All those years of being “financially responsible” means you can finally buy a motorcycle and the bitchin’ leather jacket to match. Or maybe a year-long silent meditation retreat is more your speed. Either way, you’ve earned it, after all. At least that’s what you’re going to tell yourself on the way to surf camp.
Pencils for GRAMMAR POLICE
YOUR ANNOYING.
Ahahaha. It’s so easy to get under your skin. Just wanted to shoot a quick message to let you know how impressed we all are that you finally figured out the difference between your and you’re. Welcome to the grammar club, smarty pants. But as a club member, you now have to quit whining about other people’s grammatical errors. Trust me on this point, you’re still making some.
Pencils for first world problems
AWWWWW...
I hear you’re having a bad day. First of all, your wifi sucks, so Shameless is totally lagging. Plus, it’s 95 outside but you’re shivering under a blanket because the AC is SO freezing, and now your gluten-free muffin was the BEST glutenfree muffin you’ve ever had until you realized they gave you the one with almonds. And we both know you said NO NUTS.
Pencils for the passive aggressive
I’M FINE.
I mean, if you want, I can write an essay detailing the extent to which I’m fine. I’ll even laminate the cover if you need me to do that, too. I don’t mind at all. If that’s what you need to prove that I’m fine, I’ll do it. Heck, I might even make it a book, find a publisher and go on Ellen to promote the release, proving how fine I am. I mean if that’s what you need. I’ll do it.
Pencils for teachers
IT’S A SNOW DAY SOMEWHERE....
But not for you! You have another full day of dealing with other people’s children AND their classroom shenanigans. And it’s not that you don’t love teaching. It’s more that nobody truly appreciates all the garbage you go through just to do your job. Isn’t it time people started thanking YOU for YOUR service?
Pencils for the middle child
WHO ARE YOU AGAIN? The only thing worse than being unnoticed is being unnoticed when your hair is neon purple and you dress like you’re from the Matrix. Um, hello? Being the first child ain’t all that. The only people who think so are: #1. My older sibling and #2. My dumb parents. All I haven’t even gotten to the part about the (cry)baby of the family. Oy.
Pencils for truth
I’M A FAKE VEGAN. Hey, wouldn’t it be nice if people just told the truth every once in a while? I mean, nobody wants to hear that Susan thinks your baby is weird looking, but does she have to go on and on about how ADORABLE he is, only to snicker with the entire Human Resources department behind your back? Susan, Susan, Susan. Just wait til you have a baby.
Pencils for the office
OH COOL.
It’s Monday again. Feels like I just clocked out. Know what I love about Mondays?
Nothing. In fifteen minutes, I’ll be sleeping with my eyes open for an hour-long meeting about employee morale followed by a “surprise” birthday cake and card everyone half-heartedly signs while doing a slow eye-roll. Which is the same eye-roll
I’ll be making when I read it, ’cuz it’s my birthday and even that won’t fix a Monday.
Pencils for writer's block
TIRED OF FEELING LIKE A BONE-DRY HACK?
So the wordsmith’s well has run dry? Try this pack of Writer’s Block pencils. If these pencils don’t help you churn out regurgitated ideas and probably a vampire, I’ll eat my hat. It’s a fedora, by the way. Cool vampires wear fedoras now. Put that in your crack pipe and smoke it. Or in your book. Either way, you’re gonna need these pencils ASAP. Even crap won’t write itself.
Pencils for zero fucks
NO FUCKS.
We hear you. You’re so over it you can’t even. This newlyconcocted bad attitude is just what the doctor ordered! Plus, none of us really liked it when you were just a simple, caring, average Joe. So kudos to you! Even though you couldn’t give a F. We know. Fresh out.
Pencils for introverts
PEOPLE SUCK.
That’s why you prefer to stay inside with your stuffed animal collection. But sometimes it’s a little hard to admit that in public. So we’ve carefully crafted a few extremely plausible excuses to get you out of all those pesky social obligations. Like happy hour. Your niece’s school play. Office parties. Your wedding.
Pencils for procrastinators
TWO WEEKS.
Go ahead, ask me anything. Invariably, the answer will be “two weeks.” Wondering when I’ll get my grades up? Two weeks. Get my grades up and start working out? Two weeks. Get my grades up, start working out, call my dad, visit my Nana in Florida, get married, buy a house, file for divorce, start my own business and run for office? Two weeks, pal. Two. Weeks.
Pencils for Boomers vs. Millennials
PASS THE POPCORN. With the two largest generations in history at each other’s virtual throats on social media, this is the most epic battle since white or wheat. Who’s more entitled? Who’s more maligned? And does it even matter? HEY. Of course it does. Ask any one of them. But really. Pass the popcorn. This is some serious entertainment.
DISCONTINUED
Pencils for Nurses
MAY I TAKE YOUR ORDER?
You must be completely delusional if you think I’m a waiter, pal. In fact, I could argue that your very existence is at the mercy of my skilled, capable hands right now. So too bad if you don’t like the green Jello. Shut your trap and maybe I’ll come back to check on you. Key word: maybe.
Pencils for okay moms
CONGRATULATIONS.
You’re the world’s okayest mom! Please don’t take offense! Face it, perfect moms are the absolute worst, what with their spotless car seats, healthy and organic snacks packed neatly in recyclable containers, and quick-draw first aid kits. Okay moms are where it’s at. Okay moms are where you want to live: sippy cup wine, the five-second rule, and naps that overlap into second naps.
Pencils for Cat People
HERE, KITTY KITTY...
I have a surprise for youuuu… Darn it, where are you?
Remember that time you told me you wished you could be a little policeman? I’m sure you said that. And I’ve got JUST the costume for that! Come on, kitty, kitty. My Instagram followers are waiting.
Pencils for Dog People
IT WAS THE DOG, I SWEAR! Look, I don’t know if you know this about my dog, but he’s verrry gassy. So if you get a whiff of anything remotely off, it was the dog, ok? He’s also responsible for the missing cheesecake in the fridge. I don’t know how he does it! The scoundrel.
Pencils for gravestone ideas
I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK. Absolute genius last words to carve onto your gravestone. Why bother with father, mother, son, daughter? Beloved pet, bah! Boooring. Really, the only proper way to go out is to get the very last word. That, or leave them wondering for all eternity. Who dis?
Pencils for little white lies
OMG, CROSSFIT? YES. I looooove working out. If I could, I would do it 24/7. It’s just that I have all these obligations and such since I took that sabbatical from work. Oh, yeah, technically they called it “fired” but I was going to take a creative break anyway. And I LOVE my free time! I mean, I don’t really have any, of course, and that’s why I’m not hitting the gym at the moment....